Why Every Time Machine Comes With a Gun
Proper usage of the firearm packaged with your Time Machine.
Time Machine Manual
Part 17: Proper Usage of the Firearm Packaged with your Time Machine
The firearm which comes packaged with your Time Machine may vary depending on which version of the Time Machine you purchased, the deluxe, luxury, or standard versions.
In all cases, it will be a handgun with non-traceable bullets. It’s very important to be skilled at handgun usage, so time spent practicing at ranges is suggested.
It’s also important to use the firearm only for its intended use.
The firearm equipped with your Time Machine has but one purpose: to kill Hitler.
Any and all other uses of the firearm will be considered in direct violation with the terms and conditions of your Time Machine and your warranty will be considered void.
Remember: there are many time travelers and one Hitler, so only one kill per time traveler please!
Troubleshooting & Frequently Asked Questions
Q. Wouldn’t killing Hitler create a time paradox?
A. This was originally a concern among the engineers creating the Time Machine. Upon marketing review, however, killing Hitler was in such high customer demand it would be considered a paradox for Hitler to have never been killed by a time traveler. Theoretically speaking, in each timeline, Hitler was killed by a time traveler. Most likely, you. So have at it!
Q. What’s the best time and place to kill Hitler?
A. This is a tricky subject because of the cross-feedback between time travelers killing Hitler. Choosing coordinates in which Hitler hasn’t been killed yet isn’t enough to guarantee safety because of the chance there’s another time traveler at those coordinates who also wants to kill Hitler. For this purpose, we’ve included an always-accessible “I’m Not Hitler” button in your time machine in case you come face-to-face with a gun pointed at you. Pressing the button signals to the other time travelers that you’re not Hitler but a time traveler, and that shooting you will put them in violation with the terms and conditions of their Time Machine, voiding their warranty.
Q. Only Hitler? Can I at least kill Mussolini?
A. No. Hitler only. But it’s fine if you want to mess up Mussolini’s hair or something.
Q. I thought the point of time travel was to preserve the past and protect the timeline! Why create a mass-marketed time machine in the first place?
A. We’re not going to lie: mainly to kill Hitler. Frankly, we’re surprised there are so many other uses.